Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
