that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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