I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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