I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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