I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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