You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
