I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
