i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
