Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
