I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
