answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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