and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
