btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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