a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
