I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
