god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
