is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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