god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
