Well apparently he's into motor boating.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Two words: blizzard sex
Never let your siblings swipe right.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
