I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
