ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
