Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he quoted the bible to break up with me
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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