It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
