Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
