You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
