I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
