everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize