Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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