Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
