i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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