u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
