Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
