I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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