Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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