thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
