I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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