I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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