You can't special order awesome
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
