i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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