it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
