I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
