you guys were way drunker than both of me
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
