you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
