The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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