he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
