new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
