My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Are we still banned from the library?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I deserve this hangover.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
