Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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