Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
