Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I think my vagina is haunted
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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