Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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