Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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